


More Than Worth It

by puppyfacedbrokenboys



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, M/M, Pre-Relationship, episode tag 1x05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 20:12:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3622728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puppyfacedbrokenboys/pseuds/puppyfacedbrokenboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Connor decided to paint his nails blue for Jude in 1x05.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Than Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching the season 1 Jonnor scenes on Youtube and wondered what Connor’s thought process was between not standing up for Jude when he was being bullied for his nails to the next day having his own nails painted. This what I came up with. Hope you like!

Watching Jude get bullied over his nail polish at school had Connor thinking.

Why hadn’t he stood up for him? Granted, Jude stood up for himself – more than Connor had anyway – but why didn’t he step in for his friend?

They were friends, right? They had math class together. And Jude seemed pretty cool. Nice and quiet. Soft spoken and smart. Small and kind. He liked talking to him, and Jude treated him nice.

So why didn’t he stand up for him? Connor had wanted to. But he knew what his father would say. Getting into fights wouldn’t be good. And Connor wanted to keep in his dad’s good graces as much as possible. So he stayed back and didn’t get involved.

But as the day went on, the guilt formed a solid knot in his stomach that he couldn’t shake. He just kept thinking about Jude and their friendship. Friends were supposed to help each other out, right? That’s what all the movies teach you. You stick up for your friends; help them out when they need it.

Why hadn’t he? Jude would have if it were Connor wearing the nail polish. If it was Connor being bullied, Jude would have stepped up, quiet as a mouse, and told them to stop. So why couldn’t Connor?

Connor felt guilty and ashamed. He was quiet on the way home from school, watching the world roll by him in a blur. He was quiet at dinner as he swirled his fork in his spaghetti. It was his favorite dish and he just didn’t have the appetite to eat it, his thoughts stuck on his guilt as it grew like a rock in the pit of his stomach.

Soon, he couldn’t take it anymore. The food, the quiet. He asked his mom if he could be excused early. His mom frowned and felt his forehead; the frown deepened, but she told him he could go up to his room early. His dad didn’t give him much attention except to say, “Take your plate to the kitchen, son.”

After doing as he was told, Connor ran up the stairs to his room. He swung his door closed and launched himself on his bed, landing face first on his comforter.

He was alone and didn’t have to pretend in here. But without the need to pretend, he was left to deal with his guilt. The guilt he just wants to go away.

He flops over on his back, restlessly punching the pillow behind his head to get it the way he wanted. And silence. And his mind started wandering back to where he didn’t want it to go.

 _You’re a bad friend, Connor_ , a dark voice tells him in his mind. Connor shuts his eyes, trying to block it out. _Why is Jude even friends with you?_ _He’s better off without you_. The voice gets even deeper, darker. Angrier and it sounds suspiciously like his father: _You’re dumb and scared and weak._

Hot tears of frustration spring to his eyes as Connor rolls over to grab his noise-cancelling headphones to put on. His hands shake as he fumbles through menus, tapping at the screen until there’s music blasting in his ears. For a few sweet moments it works, and the voice is drowned out until it’s pounding behind his ears and the tears leak out, rolling searing hot down his cheeks.

He’s pathetic. He’s weak for crying over this. For worrying about this so much.

But then his mind turns back to Jude, and it floods out the dark voice as the thought of _Jude would’ve stood up for you_ slides through his mind, flashing like a neon marquee behind his eye balls.

He thinks of the blue of the polish on Jude’s nails. Deep blue. He’s seen that blue before. Where had he seen it before?

And before he knows it, he’s up out of his bed and walking towards his door.

He’s at his parents’ door when he remembers. He looks behind him and slips inside, shutting the door behind him quietly. He tiptoes over to his mom’s dresser, averting his gaze from the mirror as his heart pounds in his chest. He hadn’t played with his mom’s things since he was three and got a red, sore butt from his dad spanking him after getting lipstick all over him and his white bed.

He looks over the top of the dresser, and then looks through the drawers. Finding nothing, he turns his attention to the bathroom. The light is blinding when he turns it on, and he blinks as his eyes scan the interior. He stands on his tip toes and looks on the shelves above the toilet and then turns to look through the drawers.

Jackpot: _Polish._

He kneels, squinting at bottle after bottle until he finds the shade that matches as closely to Jude’s as he can manage. He grins when he finds it and closes the drawer quickly to dash back to his room where he spends a long time to paint his nails as neat as possible. He anxiously waits for the nails to dry as he tries to do his homework for Math, making silent curses when he messes up the paint.

After five re-paints, he decides to just watch a movie. _They’ll be dry by then, right?_

It doesn’t really matter. He’s doing this for Jude. To show Jude he’s okay with it. To show Jude he accepts him. To show Jude he _stands with him_.

He falls asleep staring at his fingers and smiling and thinking about Jude.

He wakes up smiling and thinking about Jude, and keeps his hands in his pockets the whole way to school. His day gives him an odd look, but that doesn’t matter.

He’s fit to burst by the time lunch rolls around, and it takes all his power to sit quietly at Jude’s table and to pick up his sandwich.

Jude’s small smile when Connor shows him what he did makes the whole thing _more_ than worth it.


End file.
